So maybe you’re always a perfect picture of faith and trust in God.
Me? Not so much.
What’s amazing, I think, is that I can trust God with my eternity. I’m a believer, after all. I trust in Him for the forgiveness of my sins through His death on the cross in my place and His resurrection from the dead.
If I can trust him with my eternity, why is it I struggle so much to trust Him for my here and now?
Honestly, if there is any sin we Christians are permissive of, it’s WORRY. Lately I’ve been reading After 50 Years of Ministry by Bob Russell, and I read this:
“Worry is a sin because it calls God a liar. God promises He will supply all our needs (Philippians 4:19). Worry says, ‘I don’t think God will fulfill that promise.’ God says He is with us always (Matthew 28:20). Worry says, ‘I don’t think He will be there when I need Him.’“
That line resonated with me.
I thought back to a time when I was perhaps as broken a woman as I have ever been in my life. The details aren’t important to my story, but you know how it is — external circumstances become dark and hopeless, and THEN the mind battles begin! And, God help, those mind battles can do more to crush your spirit than the worst of circumstances ever could!
Sound familiar? I don’t think I’m alone in this one.
I remember I was trying to pray. “Trying” being the key word here because sometimes when you’ve prayed the same things again and again the words begin to get old and stale and you start feeling like there’s little point in praying them. I mean, you figure surely God is sick of hearing about it because you know you’re sick of saying it! And sometimes you reach the point you go to God because things are bleak and you know you have to and yet the words are gone and any strength to pray them is gone, too.
That’s where I was.
I don’t even remember what I was saying, what part of my complaint I was pouring out… AGAIN. Maybe I was saying nothing, maybe I was just repeating the same things I’d said a thousand times before. But in the midst of what was a pretty desperate plea for help, I blurted out what were probably some of the most honest words I have ever prayed before God. I can’t quote myself exactly, but I told God I was struggling…
“…Because I don’t trust You.”
Saying that was probably more of an accident than a humble, heartfelt confession. In fact, I realized what I had said and I stood there a moment waiting for lightning to strike and zap me into oblivion. Because, no doubt about it, that was a sinful statement. And not only was it completely faithless, it was said in anger and frustration at the God I thought was my ally, but who wasn’t sweeping to my rescue when I knew He was capable of doing so.
But one of the things so amazing about a gracious God is that He is willing to meet us where we are. Sometimes it is in our lowest moments, our greatest points of desperation, that the kinds of confessions that give birth to healing and change can begin to pour forth. And something did begin changing in me at that moment. I broke before Him, fully admitting to God and to myself that I did not trust Him to take care of me, and that I desperately needed His help.
Brokenness gives God something to work with. It strips away pride and conceit and self-reliance and lays our hearts bare before a God who is usually more interested in changing us than in rescuing us.
He sees what we can’t see. He knows what we can’t begin to understand. And He has a remarkable way of redeeming the worst of circumstances.
If only we could learn to trust Him.
And admit to Him what we are and where we are.
Because He knows it already, right? So why do we try so hard to put up a front of strength and courage and righteousness we do not possess.
Well, I know why. It’s because we don’t trust Him to love us in spite of what we are. Even though He promised us He does. We don’t trust Him to take care of us, to be with us, even though He said He would.
So what if we learned to take Him at His word? To rest in Him. To trust in Him.
Oh, for grace to trust Him more.
“‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon His promise
Just to know ‘Thus saith the Lord!'”
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