I haven’t been here in a long time.
I haven’t forgotten my blog. I haven’t meant to forsake it. In fact, I’ve been meaning to return for a very long time. I just kept thinking, “When this is done, I’ll blog again. When we reach that point, I’ll start writing again. When we feel more settled in this area, I’ll get back to blogging.”
And so it never happened.
Suffice it to say our world turned upside-down. It’s a long and unnecessary story, but I kept trying to blog through it all and it just wasn’t working. My gut was being ripped to shreds and here I was writing about cleaning tools and container gardening. It felt so disingenuous somehow.
There was a lot I wanted to say and couldn’t. While I believe in being “real” in my writing, that doesn’t necessarily mean you lay bare every thought and feeling, every hurt and injustice.
Some things people don’t need to know. And some things wouldn’t be right to share.
It was just easiest to fade out and wait for some… I don’t know… clarity, maybe, before returning. Maybe I thought I would reach a point where I would know it was time. Start writing again, Tanya! The time has come! Grab the laptop and go at it, girl!
And that moment has never really come. So how long do I wait? What if writing never becomes easier and more convenient? What if I’m waiting for perfect circumstances that will never present themselves?
Things will likely not always be as chaotic for us as they are at this moment. But that doesn’t change the fact they are chaotic. In fact, they’ve been pretty chaotic for a very long time now, though the ways and the reasons have varied some.
And I hate that. Despise it, really.
I am a woman of structure. Order. Organization. Even in the general chaos of motherhood and homeschooling I have enjoyed a certain comfortable system. It wasn’t perfect, but it was familiar and it was workable. But I feel like the system fell apart and I’ve been hobbling by in some handicapped system that is anything but comfortable and is workable only in the sense that we’re surviving it.
Oh, my word, I’m so tired of it.
And I get angry. I want things settled. I want my life back. I don’t want to wonder anymore. I don’t want any question marks. I long for stability.
I want it for my kids, too. Sometimes that’s the most difficult part. They’re caught up in the chaos, too. They didn’t choose it any more than we did, and yet they’re just as helplessly caught up in it all as their mom and dad.
And so I was griping to God last night. I wasn’t griping at Him… I know better than to do that… but I was definitely griping to Him.
How do I even pray at this point? Haven’t I pretty much said everything I can possibly say? How long is this chaos going to last? Is it ever going to end? Is it going to be worth it in the end even if it does? So much has happened. So much time has passed. We’ve continued in this chaos for so long. And we can never get this time back!
And immediately… I’m talking about major slap-in-the-forehead kind of immediately… it came to me.
But there’s GRACE.
Oh, my word. How had I forgotten that?
GRACE has been my salvation! From my own sin, first and foremost, but it hasn’t stopped there! It rescues from a whole trash heap of broken things that are the inevitable result of living a fallen world. It is GRACE that provides hope. It is GRACE that restores and redeems. It is GRACE that heals. It is GRACE that fills in the gaps left by a broken world full of broken people, and GRACE will settle us someday into an eternal home we don’t deserve, and yet will call our own.
GRACE is the name of my homeschool. GRACE is the name of my church. GRACE has been the plea of my heart for marriage and motherhood and homeschooling and ministry, and it’s provision has made all the difference in each of those things.
GRACE is all around me, and I had forgotten it!
GRACE has gotten me through the worst of times. Again and again it has redeemed what was broken beyond recognition, and supplied what was severely lacking in my heart and my effort and my experience. GRACE is powerful. GRACE is life-altering.
And somehow I had forgotten.
But I remember now! And I’m asking for His GRACE, knowing well He will provide it. And knowing, too, that it will be enough.
My GRACE is sufficient for you; for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9